Learning healthy self expression

Learning how to identify and express your needs 

Making mistakes or acting out (as children do!) and receiving gentle parental correction or guidance, followed by repair and reconnection.

Learning how to communicate effectively when under stress or in conflict. Setting boundaries around things that are important to you and learning how to keep them.

In adulthood, "people-pleasers" often confuse care and concern with being responsible for others' feelings or outcomes.

Being connected to another person in a healthy way doesn't involve over-functioning for someone else, ignoring your own needs and desires, or feeling excessive guilt when you put yourself before someone else.

So what is the path forward for those who wish to try and change these patterns?

The first step is developing awareness of these patterns and cultivating a deep curiosity about the ways in which you see yourself caught up in these thoughts and behaviors. Notice the triggers and context that precede your willingness to accommodate someone else, give in, or blindly apologize.

Pay attention to the sensations in your body (tension in your shoulders or jaw, pressure in your chest, heart rate increase, etc) and label your emotions as you feel them (scared, tense, nervous, etc)

As you dial into your own experience on a deeper level, you may begin to identify the ways in which you succumb to the "old imprint" and automatically react in a way designed to keep you safe from conflict, potential disconnection in a relationship, or experiencing someone else's dissatisfaction.

Once this awareness sets in, you can try to make small adjustments to get used to how it feels to stay grounded in your own experience so that you can show up for yourself in a way that honors your own needs and preferences.

These can look like:

Practice taking a few deep breaths to calm your nervous system 

Experiment with self-compassionate statements like "I am worthy just as I am" or "I can move through this moment and I will be ok" 

Repeat cognitive reframes to yourself like "I take care of myself when I set appropriate boundaries with others" or "Saying yes to myself means sometimes saying no to others".

All of this inner work will help you prepare to practice new behaviors with others.

Practice boundary work by using visualization tools to reflect on your values, needs, preferences, and limits. Communicate boundaries by using "I" statements focused on feelings and needs ("I feel overwhelmed by work and personal obligations right now, and I need to stay home tonight"). When communicated directly and with calmness and respect, your boundaries do not need to be over-explained, nor do you need to apologize for having them.

It's ok to start small and build as you feel more comfortable. Some ways to get started include waiting 10 seconds before offering help or advice, practicing saying "That sounds really hard" without offering to jump in, and letting someone sit with discomfort without trying to solve it.

As you experience some success using these techniques, you will be better able to more clearly define what you want for yourself and be able to communicate these needs and boundaries to others without guilt.

Of course, there will be inner tension and discomfort that you will experience (self-compassion is helpful here too!), and seeking help and support through a therapist, supportive friends, or journaling will help.

Creating new relational dynamics is an act of courage, not only for you but for everyone involved, and can result in a newfound sense of optimism and confidence. Remember, you don't have to stop caring—you're just learning to care for yourself, too.

Served with love,

Kathleen