Setting personal boundaries

Hello friends!

Let’s dive right into the topic of setting boundaries which involves "people pleasing", learning how to say no, treating yourself as you want others to, and remembering that your opinion is the most important for you.

We’ve covered many topics this year, and since we now know each other well, I feel you are ready to focus on inner personal growth. We start this by looking at why and how we do or do not set boundaries.

A crucial aspect of our well-being is setting and communicating what we want and need, in other words, personal boundaries. Understanding and maintaining boundaries can greatly enhance our personal and professional lives, ensuring that we respect our own needs as well as those of others. So many of us in the service industry are people pleasers, and because of this trait, which is both good and not so good, we tend to struggle to communicate our needs and wants and we often don’t say no when we need to. 

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships and interactions. They define what we are comfortable with and how we would like to be treated by others. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, or even digital, and they help protect our sense of self and our personal space.

Setting boundaries helps us maintain our identity, reduces stress, and prevents burnout. Boundaries allow us to communicate our needs clearly and ensure that our interactions with others are respectful and supportive.

If you are a people pleaser you will want to make others happy and often go out of your way to make sure everyone around you feels comfortable and valued. But this can make it hard for you to say no, even when you're overwhelmed. You might fear disappointing others or being rejected, so you seek approval and validation constantly. This often leads you to apologize frequently and suppress your own opinions to keep the peace.

The good part of being a people pleaser is that you’re great at building strong relationships and always consider others' needs and you're good at avoiding conflicts and keeping things harmonious. Your empathy helps you connect deeply with others, making you a reliable and supportive friend or colleague. However, the not so good part of being a people pleaser is that you often neglect your own needs, which can lead to burnout. And when you compromise your own values and opinions to make others happy you lose sight of who you really are. In essence, as a people pleaser you have no boundaries and allow everyone else to come first. 

DO THIS

To set boundaries: 

Know what you need to feel safe and respected. This clarity is the first step in setting boundaries. Reflect on what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. This will help you understand where your boundaries lie.

If you have never done this before, begin with small boundaries that are easier to enforce. This will build your confidence in setting larger boundaries over time. 

Once you have set a boundary, never waiver. Consistency reinforces your boundaries and shows others that you are serious about maintaining them. Start to recognize and honor the boundaries of those around you. This mutual respect fosters healthier relationships.

Let me give you an example of a boundary. When my brother and I were young and wanted to have someone come over or stay over, we would be so excited we would pester our mother hoping she would cave in and say yes.  Instead she would say, if you want the answer right now it is no, if you give me time and space to think, it might be yes.  This is a boundary my mother set so that she made decisions about guests that worked for our entire family. 

Once you have your boundaries set, clearly state your needs and limits calmly and assertively without ambiguity. For example, "I need some alone time after work to recharge" is a direct way to set a boundary.

While it’s important to assert your boundaries, it’s equally important to respect the feelings and needs of others. Politeness and respect go a long way.

Use I statements to help express your feelings without sounding like you are accusing someone. For instance, "I feel overwhelmed when I’m given last-minute tasks. I need more notice to manage my workload effectively." 

At work you might say: “I’m unable to take on additional projects at this time due to my current workload. Let’s discuss a feasible timeline.”

In your personal life you might say: “I appreciate your concern, but I need some time to myself right now. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk.”

And finally on social media:  “I prefer to keep my personal life private, so I won’t be sharing that information on social media.”

Sometimes, people may need reminders about your boundaries. Don’t hesitate to restate them if they are crossed.

THINK THIS

Remember, setting boundaries is a sign of self-respect and is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. It’s about taking control of your life and ensuring that your needs are met, authentic self care at its core.

I want you to look inward and see if any of the people pleaser descriptions are you and if so, do the things on the DO THIS list.  Remind yourself daily that your needs and opinions are what matter and you can’t make others happy, they do that for themselves, as do you. 

Finally, although being a people pleaser comes from a place of kindness, it’s important to maintain your own identity and remind yourself setting boundaries can lead to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.

Served with love, Kathleen